The California College Kid

Changing Faces

Posted on May 16th, 2008 by matt.
Categories: Personal.

Over the course of the last few months, my life has been moving away from academics (apparent by my obvious lack in writing here :P), and changing drastically. Because of re-entering the world of the 9 to 5, I’ve had less time to reflect, and instead have been in constant motion, moving through the days as is if they’d faded together into measurements of events rather than time. It’s been too long since I let myself escape and write fluidly. I think part of my lack in writing stems from the lack in time I’ve had to remove myself enough from “life” to get the words out. However, tonight seems like a good night to be removed, and lay my thoughts out into at least one language I know (I might play some guitar too).

A few months ago, I began working at the Bistro Liaison about a mile from where I live. The sequence of events that lead up to my arrival there is kind of neat since it involves a close friend of mine, who got me my job, and a close friend of hers, who got her her job… both subsequent AiR members before me. While at the Bistro I’ve had old friends come back into my life, made new ones, and learned what it’s like to work behind the scenes in an upscale restaurant. Tonight however, I’ve decided to write about a girl who turned my world on it’s head a bit, and brought me out of this cellophane house I seem to be living in.

There’s nothing really romantic about our relationship, but I don’t think I’ve ever gotten this close in a month, or let someone into my life as quickly as I’ve done with her. It baffles me, and at the same time, it happened so naturally, it’s hard to question. At times, I’ve felt very attracted to her, but being as wary as I am about relationships right now, I’ve questioned everything from my motivations for wanting a relationship, to a vast array of other things… I probably won’t get serious about dating again for awhile. The thing that struck me about this friend is how unmitigated she is. What I mean to say is that she’s pure in her intent, and I doubt has ever had an ulterior motive about anything. What’s odd, is I think she sees people in the same light in which she composes herself, and rarely draws much of a judgement until she’s really gotten to know the person. I love that attribute in people that allows them to do that, since it’s so purely human, and selfless… at the same time, I’ve found some can trust to a fault and judge people too little, which is both naive and dangerous. It creates a sentiment of false imagery that can be pleasant when things are well, and utterly destructive when they’re not. It’s sad we don’t live in a world where we can trust the way she does, and that’s where this friend of mine has in a way touched me through this veil of plastic I setup in the last year.

3 days later…

I’m not sure how it started, but over the course of this last week, my friend’s perspective on who she thought I was began to change. We began doing various activities outside of my normal social circles, and at a certain point it dawned on me, when she revealed that she thought I was changing, that it was really her idea of me that had changed, and there was nothing I could do about it. A long discussion of the relationship that had been, moved between us like water, finally washing away the sand, revealing a fragility within her that I’d only suspected existed, and to me belongs to someone ten years younger. Her reaction to the situation, wanting to sever all ties with me, also indicative of a teenage mindset.

My life is like music right now, the people in my life, notes. I thought this friend might contribute more to the symphony that is becoming my life, but instead exited on the 7th of the chord, creating a dissonance, a chromatic movement that forced all of the chords around me to move… and in life, as in music, those notes, the uncomfortability they create, have to be there, to create motivation for things to keep going… why she chose to be that note, I don’t know… but it makes me sad.

3 comments.

Broken Strings

Posted on March 11th, 2008 by matt.
Categories: Music, Personal.

Wow, it’s been so longs since I’ve written on here, my laptop forgot the password to my own website. How are my electronic word digesting friends of the world doing?

I myself have been ridiculously busy. Between working at a very upscale French Bistro (as a host), and recording my a cappella groups first album in years, I’ve also been learning to play guitar. I’ve even experimented with trying to write my own songs, one of which is below, and is still fairly rough, but you get the idea.

About two weeks ago, for whatever reason, I woke at 5am after having a bizarre dream about my ex’s daughter and I living in the UK (Way into the future, after some kind of economic depression). It was strange to say the least, but as I sat in my 3rd story window, watching the fog roll over the empty streets of Berkeley, I decided to pick up my guitar and practice my song a bit. Suddenly, when I hit the chorus, I heard this twang, and my top most string came flying off the guitar! I’d been wondering what that was going to be like, as I’d seen many performers break strings on stage during concerts n’ whatnot. My parents may have bought me this guitar a year ago, but I finally broke a string!

Anyways, I need to wash clothes, and tidy up a bit… enjoy the song… there will be a melody next time I post it (Kristen’s helping me with that :).

-toodles

1 comment.

What we want…

Posted on February 2nd, 2008 by matt.
Categories: Personal.

Once, a long time ago, while in a session with a shrink (Ya, I used to go regularly), I was asked a question that all too often I feel many don’t spend enough time seriously considering .

“What do you want?”, he asked me.

The sessions eventually became fairly pointless, but at that given point in my life, I felt I needed more clarity than what I was getting out of my daily routines of curly fries, video games, 9 hours of work, and sleeping when my eyes decided to boycott my efforts to beat Grand Theft Auto. Seeing someone who studied behavioral science seemed like a smart thing to do since I knew, as I’d known most of my life, I didn’t feel like the person I felt I should have been, and looking back on the sessions now, I realize the most valuable memory I have from it was Dr. Freedman asking me one of the most challenging questions I’ve ever been asked… with just four simple words.

Recently I got a bit of a jump start in things I knew deep down I wanted and could feel just beyond the tips of my fingers. In the end it wasn’t the path for me, but the collideascope of experiences that unfolded along side my unsuccessful jaunt opened my eyes to feelings and desires that I’d swept under the rug looong ago. Sadly this all comes at a point in my life where I’m at a financial deficit, and beginning to feel my age… but then I remind myself… most go their whole lives without ever really living for themselves or their dreams.

I’m ranting a bit… The main thing is, at 28, for the first time I’m feeling like I’m actually living again. I just started working at a boutique French restaurant where I host and make regular tips. Now I just need to make enough to support my bills, which means I either need to do a good enough job to get more hours, or get another job (the likely outcome). But it’s a start nonetheless… even got my first paycheck… my first non-school, tax deducted paycheck I’ve received in about 5 years!

And then tonight, the question that’s been bugging me for the last few months got louder. What do I want? I still remember stumbling momentarily after Dr. Freedman first posed the question to me. I’d done goal sheets before, mapping out various desires over the course of a couple years, sticking in various intervals of time that would somehow immortalize some kind of burning desire in me. What finally slipped from my lips was that I wanted to be happy. And beyond those few words, I didn’t have much more to say other than giving him a commercialized cookie cutter silhouette of what I thought would make me happy. 5 years, and a tens of thousand of dollars of education, food, clothing, and shelter later, I’m starting to actually understand myself well enough to know and be bold about what makes me a happy guy.

I’m not sure where I’m going with all of this, but if nothing else, I’m just happy about having a job, and being able to be good at it. Being able to be honestly prideful for something I’m doing is a rarity… humbleness can be a curse, and while it’s a virtuous quality to have, I think for once I’m going to be a bit bold… it makes me happy

2 comments.

72 years young!

Posted on January 21st, 2008 by matt.
Categories: Personal.

As I sit here on my fold out futon, enjoying its drab burgundy shade, I think about what lies ahead of me, what cities I’ll eventually relocate to, what new friends I’ll eventually make, what kinds of insights I’ll stumble into while partying in France with friends I went to college with. But when looking at my current situation on paper, things look kind of scary. I don’t have the greatest credit, have no love interests, minimal income to speak of, am in the worst shape I’ve been in for years, and if I were to speak in technicalities, I really don’t have much of a life right now. Don’t worry, that’s the cynic in me talking… I try and pair him up as much as possible with my dreamer guy, they make a great pair! My point is, I’m at the bottom of a deep well looking up, and somehow, even with my technically daunting position in life, I’m kind of excited and smiling with a very sly grin on my face. I feel like I’m being offered a challenge. And I also don’t think I truly appreciated the power of dreaming before, but hold onto it dearly now, because honestly, many I know have a great deal of despair and discouragement in their lives whether they want to admit it or not, but for me, as long as my dreams minus all the negative stuff comes out to a positive number, life always looks pretty good… at least for me.

Oh, I also decided not to call this post “28 years young” because the way I see it, if you’re going to make the title opposite, the numbers should, once set in motion, go backwards too right? And I certainly wouldn’t want to only have 28 years left to my life. So, in an effort to reach for the magical abilities of famous writers such as Mark Twain, I am going predict that I will die at 100 years old, and after doing the arithmetic, that gives me exactly 72 years left to live. It’s an odd way to look at it, I know, but I figure some people go their entire lives without living, and in a world as crazy as this is, I’m going to need every reminder I can get… especially if I’m reaching for… yes Gina, you know what I’m going for… Legendary!

1 comment.

American Beauty

Posted on January 14th, 2008 by matt.
Categories: Personal.

Recently I watched, for the second time in my life, a film I realize now I didn’t fully grasp until I decided to watch it again with an open heart. I don’t think I’ve cried so much since I was a child… the last scene of the film is that powerful. I’ll tip you off to one secret, at least for me… I wasn’t crying tears of sadness.

Anyways, the below is a beautiful section of the film that I loved since the first time I saw it.
“Sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world I feel like I can’t take it, like my heart’s going to cave in.”

0 comments.

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